agree to disagree.

I am beyoooonnnddd heated after hearing news of the verdict for the Casey Anthony trial. Ok ok, the physical evidence isn't all there but honestly..if you're a mother & your 2-year-old daughter went missing, why the fuck would you lie to the police who are trying to help you find her?!?! shit doesn't make no damn sense. excuse the french but i'm pissed. just imagining myself in that position. I don't know any mother/father who wouldn't go frantic to the cops after seconds of finding out their child is missing. This bitch had them running in circles, lying & shit. what. the. fuck?! And even if she is innocent of physically murdering her child, whats with the lies?! If I had ANY information about ANYTHING that could've possibly led to my child's murder, I'd spill! Call me harsh or whatever but fuck that. When it comes to your children, there are no holds barred. You do WHATEVER to make sure they get justice! I can't even imagine it, had that been my child. I would go crazy trying to find them. This bitch wanna party?! She waited 31 days to report her daughter missing & had it NOT been for her mother, who knows how much longer she would've waited to report it. This is insane. I think any and everyone I talked to about this believed she was guilty....I guess the 12 jurors didn't get that memo. Unbelievable.

For the sake of Caylee, if her mother really didn't murder her, I hope they get justice for her death soon.

& if she did......I hope her conscience eats her alive.

you lose some. you lose some.

This is for all my ladies who have ever been betrayed by anyone they loved...

“Relationships are like crystals,
you don't realize how much you love it until it breaks.”

I understand there's an entire past to a person that I can choose to know or not know about, but when do they let the old habits die & move on to the future? You say I'm different. You say you're happy. You feed me all these things & I believe you because I trust you. You make it sound like I am different. That you are happy. That being with me has changed you. Its so easy to believe what people say to your face, but its the shit they say behind your back that makes it difficult. I admit, I'm the kind of person that gives a lot of my trust off the bat to someone & it ends up getting me into trouble in the end. To what extent of giving someone your trust too much?? I let you do pretty much ANYTHING you want -- you stare at other girls & I'm ok with that, you go out & party & the only thing you hear from me is "have fun!", you're constantly on your phone doing God knows what with not a single question asked. I give you more freedom than most girls would give their men and is that not enough?! I didn't force you out of the life you used to live. You gave it up on your own to be with me. Now if you find yourself wanting to go back, no need to make things complicated. I'm a big girl. I can handle it. Just tell me. Don't play me for the fool that I'm not.

I've been in relationships where the trust I gave was abused behind my back...mainly because they thought I would never find out but whatever the reasoning behind it, I was the one who got played in the end. You'd think after paying my dues in my last few relationships, I'd catch a fucking break. Nope. Fooled again. I hate the feeling jealousy brings on. I despise the way insecurities can get the best of me. But this is how I feel. How you gonna feed me all this shit to my face, act like everything's picture perfect between us then turn around & say the shit you say??? Just because I'm not hearing you say it doesn't mean you're not making me look stupid. Since when have I ever given you a reason to not respect me? When can I catch a fucking break?

Let's clear things up. You don't have to DO anything to break my trust. Saying it makes you just as guilty. And just because you're not saying it to my face doesn't make it right. I thought you were different. Nope. You're just like the ones that came before you. I fell for it. Again. You're playing me for the fool and I'm just supposed to just sit here & let you do this to me?? I'm stuck. Do I sit here & wait for you to change or do I pack up my shit & leave. My head tells me to do the second. To say my goodbyes & be done with you. My heart is telling me the opposite. To give you another chance because I believe deep down inside that you can change. But how much of this do I take? How many chances do I give you before I realize you're really like the rest of them? I won't ever know.


But here's to sucking it up & following my heart.....for the second time. And just like that, you suck me in again.

90-day mother.

Its hard to believe how much time is flying by. Xavier's 3-month birthday is today -=) It seems like only yesterday I was pushing the little dude out & now, he's...well...HUGE! LOL I think he's looking more & more like Gerald as the days pass. He's such a talker & just as adorable as ever!

--INTERMISSION--

OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!! Just got a phone call from my mom as I was typing this blog & she tells me Xavier's teeth are growing!!!! What the heck?! Seems kinda early, doesn't it?? Now, I'm really feeling like he's growing way too fast...*tear*

If thats any indication of how the last 3 months have been, you'll know exactly what we've been dealing with. Gerald & I are so blessed to have such a healthy & happy baby boy. He really is the light of our lives and everyday I grow more & more in love with him. As busy as my day gets with working full-time & taking a full class load at school, I still manage to find the time to spend with Xavier. Don't ask me how I do it, because I honestly can't even tell you. When I finally get the time to catch up with myself, I just take a deep breath & remember how incredibly blessed I am to have such an awesome support system. Its very heart-warming to know how many people are around me giving so much love to Xavier. Its so overwhelming!

I know all of you who have children of your own know what I'm talking about when I say that Gerald & I spend most of our free time just watching Xavier sleep. Children are so amazing. We can't wait to have another one, but not until Gerald & I focus on the other aspects of our lives first. So, until then..Xavier's just going to have to deal with us as amateur parents. I pray that we instill in him the same values our parents have given us. I want him to have as happy a childhood as I had & I know that with all the help, love & support Gerald & I have from all of our friends & family, he will be nothing short of an amazing person.

To Xavier James: Always remember that Mommy & Daddy love you & will do anything for you. At 3 months, we are already overflowing with love for you & you make us the happiest & luckiest parents in the world. We pray that you will continue to grow to be a strong, intelligent, healthy, respectful & happy young man. We are so proud to be your parents -=) We love you, baby!!

Playoff ready!

Anyone thats hung around me a few times may already know that I'm a girl that knows her sports. Put it this way, if ESPN was a person, I'd have that dude on speed dial! lol yes, THAT serious! Anyway, with the regular season ending as of yesterday, the NBA is gearing up to start the playoffs this weekend and lemme just state the obvious fact...

"I AM SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!"

hahahahahaha -=P

Ok, and anyone who knows me knows me...I'm probably one of the biggest L.A. Lakers fan they know. Yes, I'm in love with Kobe Bryant...& ever since I saw Derrick Rose play for Memphis in the NCAA Tournament in 2008, I've grown quite infatuated with him as well (&the Bulls). And if you've been following this season at all, you'd know that the possibilities for a Bulls-Lakers NBA Finals would be (in my eyes) EPIC! Watching basketball, or any sport for that matter, around me is definitely not for the faint of heart LOL ya'girl gets loud & i'm talking about "I don't give a fuck if grandpa next to me is already high off of his oxygen, no shame having ass" loud! hahahaha its serious for me! I get heart-attacks, palms start sweating & i might even hyperventilate! Its insane how into it I get...so you can only imagine whats going to happen to me if AND when the Bulls see the Lakers in the Finals....dead.

But first things first, Lakers got New Orleans and Bulls got the Pacers in the first round. There's not much to say about it..I'm expecting both Lakers & Bulls to pull away with the wins. I'd say both series go to 5 games each, but then again you never know. The Lakers have shown the damage they can do when they really get focused, but we've also experienced a few 4 (& even 5) game losing streaks this season. I just hope we stay focused and pleeeassseee, Dear God...let Andrew Bynum be healthy FOR ONCE this postseason! holy crap...the kid is amazing...if he stays healthy. &as for the Bulls, they have yet to see the 2nd round since drafting D.Rose so all I can hope for is consistency on their end. This is their year in the Eastern Conference & their record shows it. With D.Rose's huge improvement on his jumper this season & Joakim Noah & Carlos Boozer in the paint...they're definite contenders for that Eastern Conference Championship.

As for the rest for the NBA, ohh boy! I think Miami's overrated & judge that how you want but thats my opinion. If D.Wade controls the tempo of the team, they're definitely contenders to go all the way but its not gonna happen with "Queen James". Case & point. I think Boston made the biggest mistake in history by trading Kendrick Perkins. No need to elaborate because I know all of you are thinking the same thing! In the West, the Conference is up for grabs. I want to be biased & say the Lakers got it in the bag, but even I'm not delusional. The Spurs have played an amazing season & so has Dallas. The Blazers & the Thunder have become even more of a threat to the defending champs than in previous years. I still favor the Lakers, not only for the obvious reasons but because if someone else is gonna take the Championship away from us, it has to go through us - period. Point blank. Just blogging about it has my adrenaline pumping! LOL

I got one more day to gather myself & ITS ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, BITCHES!!! LAKERS & BULLS, BABY!!!!! GET IT!!!!

True Friend.

"No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow."

--Alice Walker.

I'm the kind of friend that will support your dreams, tell you to go for it, & lose my voice cheering you on. The kind that won't hesitate to put you in your place if I feel like you're wrong, but won't hesitate to whoop someone's ass if they cross the line with you. The kind who will be there to answer the phone if you call me at 3am to tell me you're stranded on Las Vegas Boulevard. I'm the kind that will be real with you & tell you that you're looking kinda wide in that dress because I don't want you going out looking jacked up. The kind that will stay on the phone with you for hours just to hear you cry about your weak ass ex-boyfriend then bring a shitload of junk food to your house so you can feel better about it. Thats the kind of friend I am & thats what I expect from my friends..nothing more, nothing less.

Sugar coating is off limits because growing up, no one ever did that for me. My family is full of assholes & I'm thankful for that. Life isn't made of rainbows & unicorns & I'll be the first to tell you that. Never had my ass kissed & never kissed ass to make friends. Being sensitive isn't gonna cut it. I'm not a bitch, I just don't want to lie to you. I never apologize for my words, because I've already thought about what I was going to say before I said it. If you can't speak your mind around me, that's your fault not mine. If you like to fish for compliments, this is not the pond to throw your line in. Compliments are a privilege. I don't give them to those not deserving because no one should need compliments to stay motivated. Be your own hype man. I'm gonna say my peace regardless of what you may think about it because I feel like we don't need to agree on every single thing to get along. I'd rather have it that way so we can learn from eachother's points of view. Hear me out & I'll do the same. Our differences are what makes us closer. The fact that we share common interests is just a bonus. I'm just as open to criticism from my homies as they are to mine. If anything I'd rather have you tell me straight up than have you put on this happy face & lie to me. Just be honest with me. I'm a big girl. I can take it.

I've been called an asshole, a bitch, a jerk, a dick..but never a bad friend. There's a method to my madness. I don't say the things I say or do the things I do because I'm a hater or because I don't care or because I don't like you. I do it for the exact opposite reasons. I'll tell you whats really real because I don't want you to get hurt in the end. Sure, my words may sting at first but you'll thank me in the end. Believe it or not, I am a nice & friendly person. I just don't like feeding people bullshit. Time is too precious & life is too harsh to play the nice girl role. Sometimes you gotta be the bitch to get respect. I admire people like that. I'll be the first one to give praise when its due & be your biggest cheerleader if the situation presents itself. I give encouragement if you need a little boost of confidence but I'm not your babysitter. Sorry, that's just not me.

Sometimes, when shit happens in life that makes us upset or sad or mad or disappointed..all we really need is a friend to sit next to us. Even in total silence, thats speaks volumes. You don't have to tell me whats wrong & vice versa..just being there is enough. And don't jump on my back because I didn't tell you something. That doesn't mean I'm mad at you or we're not friends anymore. There's just some things I want to keep to myself. Plain & simple. So don't hit me up asking if I'm mad at you just because I don't want to vent to you. You don't need to know everything going on in my life for us to be friends. My business is still MY BUSINESS & i'll tell who I choose. I expect you to know that the same goes for yourself. No hard feelings.

I'm a pretty patient person when it comes to my friends. There isn't a lot you can do to me that makes me want to cut you off. I'm usually pretty good at letting shit go because there's so many othere things I'd rather waste my energy on than a stupid & pointless argument. I say my apologies, forgive & get the fuck over it. Friends don't suffocate eachother. Its a friendship not a marriage...and truth be told, even marriages shouldn't be suffocating. So if I cut you out of my life, that's probably the reason why. I'm sorry but if there's ONE THING i can't deal with is a NEEDY friend. Ohh lawwwddd!! I got enough shit in my life I gotta worry about to be taking on your issues. I'll be there for you, give you the best advice I can but if you keep going through the same bullshit every single day..don't you think you should make a few changes?? I mean, seriously...what the fuck do you want me to do about it?? I'm here to be your friend, not your savior. Its your life, you have to do everything necessary to keep it afloat. I'm just here to tell you to keep it going & to never give up because I got your back! The friend I'm not? If you've cried over & over to me about how broke you are or your boyfriend won't stop cheating on you, I'm not the one that's gonna spare your feelings & tell you that your boyfriend loves you & he'll change his ways. I'll be the one to tell you to get a damn job or leave his dumbass! If you're too needy, I'm sorry I gotta let you go because the negativity just gets to be too much to handle. After some time, it starts weighing down on me & the next thing I know, I'm over here losing focus on my own goals because I'm too caught up with you & your baggage. I'm sorry but no thanks. I don't have the time or energy to be dealing with people like that. How do you expect me to help you if you can't even help yourself? C'MON SON!!

Its 2011, people. I'm tired of people talking about how much drama they got in their lives but don't do a damn thing to fix it. I'm tired of people saying they pray to God everyday for things to change but yet you're just chillen on your couch flipping channels and doing absolutely NOTHING productive. Shit don't make no damn sense. In life, the cards you're dealt are all a test of your ability to deal with them. When life hands you lemons, you paint that shit gold! Change your attitude. Change your thought process and the way you handle things then maybe your luck will change up a little bit. If you're steady complaining about every single thing going on in your life & questioning why all this fucked up shit happens to you, its probably because you deserve it. Don't be bitter. Putting the blame on everyone else around you isn't gonna help you either. You are grown. Suck it up. All that time you're spending nagging, complaining, & talking shit..someone else out there is making moves & getting ahead of you in this rat race we call LIFE while you're still at square one. Thats not the business. Your luck just might run out on you. Just don't say I didn't tell you so.

I feel very blessed to be surrounded by the company I keep. Each & every personality is unique & different & they have all (in their own little way) made me the person I am now. Without them, I am nothing & I'm not afraid to admit that. They inspire me to be a better ME & for that, I will always feel gratitude. At the end of the day, when I have nothing at all, I'm glad I have them on my team. That's what's really real.

This is the kind of friend I am and that's the kind of friend I'm hoping you are to me. You may not like it but its ok with me.

In time.

“Accept the things to which fate binds you, and love the people with whom fate brings you together, but do so with all your heart.” --Marcus Aurelius

Ever since G & I watched The Hall Pass last weekend, I've been thinking a lot about how fate & timing was such a huge factor in our relationship from the beginning. In the movie, both husbands are reliving their single lives when their wives give them a free pass from marriage for a week. By the end of the movie, they realize that the single life they thought they wanted wasn't really what they expected & that everything they've been looking for was already right in front of them.

How does the movie relate to me? Well, now that I'm a mother & my relationship with G has been better than ever, I've really been settling into the reality that marriage is really in my future. I'm 27 years old & as far as my personal life goes, everything is perfect. I never would've pictured this 3 or 4 years ago. At 23 I was struggling with this up & down rollercoaster of a relationship with a guy I thought was what I wanted but just ended up being all wrong for me. B & I were together for only 6 months & after we broke up, I still found myself caught up in this web with him. It was like I was still struggling to hold on to something that both of us knew wasn't there while he paraded around being single. He was the smart one. I was the fool. This went on for another year until everything just died. We cut off all ties for months after that & it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Sure, it was confusing at first. I was like a deer caught in headlights..no direction whatsoever. So I did what any single girl in Las Vegas did......went out! LOL & boooyy did i GO OUT!!! hahaha

The "Single Christine" was how Deanna from Jersey Shore would say was "A Blast in a Glass"!! LOL I was going out with my girls every weekend & we did it big. We were locals who did it TOURIST BIG! hahaha Vegas was good to me. Just when I thought I knew everything there is to know about myself & everything I wanted in my life..I surprise myself. The next two years were the happiest of my life at the time. I lived it up every chance I got. I danced the night away, got wasted, made mistakes..but walked away with no regrets.

I met G on myspace (not kidding) a little after B & I started dating. It was a casual friendship, nothing more. We kept in touch. Me in DC & him in Seattle. We were friends. Nothing more, nothing less. I moved back to Vegas in the summer of 2008 with things still wishy-washy with B. G & I were still communicating here & there. When B & I finally cut things off, G was taking his annual March Madness trip to Vegas with his friends. This was the first time we met eachother in person. I came into the situation just casual because after all, we were friends. I was single & I was happy. Little did I know that weekend was the start of something that would lead me to the rest of my life. Call me dramatic, but it was literally just that.

Anyways, G had it in his mind that I was "THE ONE" after that weekend. After he came out to surprise me a couple months after his March trip, I knew things were gonna be different between us. Now, I was the wishy-washy one. Ohh, LIFE. If there was one word I could honestly say to describe our relationship in the beginning, it would be EFFORT. He put it in in every way imaginable & looking back at it, we would've never came to be if not for all the energy he put in. For about 7 months, I was in denial. I refused to believe that I was ready for another relationship & I convinced myself every night that I didn't want to get into anything serious with G. I was a liar. Making up every excuse in the book to NOT get into this relationship with G..the distance, how I wasn't ready, yada yada. Not because I didn't like him, but because I LIKED HIM. I was scared. Everything about him...about US scared me. Keep in mind, I was single for 2 years before G & I started dating. My relationship with B scarred me. Every opinion I had on relationships, B flipped all of that around for me & I was scared. G treated me like a queen even before we got together. We had a blast everytime we hung out & we never ran out of things to talk about. He was amazing. It scared me to think of how I would be with him. B was the opposite of G & if I practically worshipped him, how would I be with G?? Was I ready to invest so much of my time & energy in another relationship? At 25, I was tired of dating around. Relationships left me so emotionally exhausted that I was unsure if thats what I wanted in my life at that time. Eventually I said, FUCK IT! We made it official on January 22, 2010 (refer to blog entry 01.22.10). Fast forward to 14 months later, we're parents to a beautiful baby boy & we're a happy family -=) & the rest of history...

I can't imagine how my life would be if G & I didn't happen the way we did. Timing was everything for us. Had we met a day sooner, it could have changed EVERYTHING. We've been throwing around the possibilities of marriage every now & then so its obvious we both see it in our future. Timing will also become a factor when the time comes. I guess this relates to the movie because I'm happy that things happened the way they did for both of us in our individual lives. From what I know, we've already done everything there is to do so 10 or 20 years down the line, I won't be asking for a hall pass & he won't either. Everything in our pasts (every person, every event, every memory & mistake) was all a factor in what brought us together. Being single taught me not to settle for anything less than what I deserved. I had fun & I made mistakes. I was young & foolish & I don't regret anything. I got everything out of my system & I never looked back. I am still the same person I was when I was single, just more mature & wiser. At almost 27 years old, my life is centered around my child & G and I can say I wouldn't want it any other way. They are my world & I can't picture my life without them now. I'm looking forward to my life with G and the family we'll be building together.

GERALD GARCIA DUMANDAN:

I love you with all my heart. I am so thankful that YOU found ME. I don't know what I did to deserve such an amazing man but I am happy you're in my life. You inspire me to be a better me. You have given me the greatest gift that life could ever bring & I appreciate our time together. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with you -=) Thank you for being a great friend, lover, &most especially for being an amazing father to Xavier. Thank you for being you for me. i love you, boo!

bliss.

Yiiikkees! I feel so bad just blogging once a month. Life has been hectic lately...very happy, yet hectic. I've been back to work now for 3 full weeks & it feels great. I've missed my co-workers & slowly I've been easing my way back in and catching up on some major paperwork. Xavier's getting bigger & bigger everyday and we've been busy starting the planning for his Christening in June. And, still in school! I'm finishing up the first quarter of the year this week & I'm super excited to be starting the 2nd quarter. I fell behind on my Fashion Sketching I class this past quarter because I was still getting situated with the baby but I'm retaking it so I can fully focus on it. Lord knows drawing isn't my strong point! And I'll finally be learning how to sew!! Clothing Construction I class is going to be awesome & I can't wait! This is only the beginning -=)

Gerald & I are still stronger than ever. We've been so blessed with the baby & his new job that it surprises me how we still find time to be with eachother through both of our schedules. I guess this should be expected, he never failed to show me the effort throughout our relationship (even before we made it official) so why should he stop now, right?! Ahh, I'm so in love...the luckiest girl in the world I tell ya...THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE WORLD!

On top of everything else, there's nothing I can really complain about. Motherhood has been pretty easy for me, all thanks to the abundance in help from Gerald & my family. They've all been really supportive and I just feel so blessed. Xavier is just the best baby in the world. He hasn't been giving me problems at all and we have so much fun already -=) I can't wait til he starts seeing & crawling..I'm already so excited!!

My mom just finished her first set of radiation treatments that she was taking with continued chemotherapy. She's on hiatus from any treatments for the next few weeks until they take another CT scan. Please keep your prayers coming. We're anticipating more good news on her status!

What more can I say, 2011 has already been so good to me. I have so much to look forward to this year and I'm so excited for it all. I hope everyone's having as great a year as me so far. 'Til next time...

thank you & goodnight!

Xavier James.

Yup! That's my boy!

After 27 whole hours in the hospital, he finally decided to come out on January 18 at 9:02pm. I got induced at 8am that morning & after 5 hours of "trying" to endure the pains of labor, I opted for my epidural & let me tell you, ladies -- BEST DECISION EVER!! I'm not even gonna front & tell you guys that the pain wasn't that bad because it was THAT bad..probably more than what I was expecting. I was the bitchiest I've ever been in my life until that miracle of a shot was injected into my system. I apologize, by the way to everyone that saw me in pain..I know I wasn't the most pleasant person to you all for those 8 hours. I really am sorry!

Anyway, its been 15 days since that day & I'm loving every single second of motherhood -=D He's an awesome baby!! I guess all the talks me & Gerald had with my belly while he was in there were all worth it. He's made it the easiest transition for us and I couldn't be more proud of our little boy. He's the most amazing thing I've ever seen in my life & I'm just so blessed. Aww, now I feel like I'm gonna shed a tear. Ok, let me stop.

Xavier, mommy loves you baby -=)