You're hurting, I know. I'm trying to find the right words to say, but it seems like nothing I say is really gonna cut it. I have no idea how this all started or how it even got here, but in all truth and honesty, my intentions were never to hurt you.
After my relationship ended with Brandon, I vowed to concentrate and devote all my time and energy on myself. I hadn't planned on being in another relationship for a while, let alone meet someone who would change my mind; but fate has a funny way of making things happen. We had an understanding - I told you my plans and that I wasn't ready to be in another relationship given the circumstances and you willingly played along. You respected my wishes and kept your distance as best you could but as life would have it, it didn't stay that way for long. That wall I tried so hard to keep up was slowly, but surely being broken. I wasn't sure whether a future with you was something I wanted to include in my plans or not. I brought up the situation with you (twice) about our status and where you saw this going. I was so adamant in those conversations, constantly reminding you of where I stood and as always, you were quick to agree. I was relieved to hear that we were both on the same level that I didn't bother to bring it up again after. I thought everything was kosher; that you understood me and where I was coming from and you respected that. I thought our situation was perfect because it gave me the time and space I needed on my end, hoping that it was going to do the same for you. Surprisingly enough, I was wrong.
So wrong.
Things changed that were completely beyond my control and all of a sudden, I was a like a deer in headlights - lost, confused and completely thrown. I kept getting these feelings in my gut that just sent all the wrong signals to me - warning signs, if you will. I saw the way you looked at me, how strong the feelings were behind your eyes but I couldn't bring myself to stare back at them. When we would be together, I felt it from your end and froze because I didn't know how to react. Before I could even get a word in I realized it was too late - you were in too deep and you lost me.
In our conversations yesterday, you said things I have never heard from you before and all I kept thinking was, "Why didn't you tell me?" I never heard you tell me that you wanted to be with me before yesterday. You never told me you were falling for me because truth be told, if I didn't call you out on it yesterday, I would still be sitting here right now without a damn clue about what you were feeling. But, I get it. I get that you're not a vocal person, especially when it came down to your emotions. I'm not slow, I knew how you felt without you ever saying a word to me about it. But you were lying to yourself and by doing that, you were lying to me. You lied and said that you were okay with our situation. You had me thinking you were all peachy keen about everything and I believed you. That was my mistake. I understand that you were respecting my wishes. You didn't want to push me into wanting something else, because you wanted me to be happy. I told you I liked you and if I remember word for word I specifically said, "I'm scared that if you asked me to be with you, I wouldn't have the courage to say no." I know you remember that. I opened up to you and you didn't do anything with it. I practically gave you a free pass and was unknowingly waiting for you to take the lead. Did you think I was just saying that because it sounded nice? No, that's what I was feeling and I know that if anyone in the world knows how blunt and honest I am, it would be you. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing by opening up to you but I did it anyway, hoping you would know what to do with it. That's where I went wrong, because all those things I hoped for were kind of just left in the back burner along with your feelings. You sacrificed telling me what you really felt about me, because maybe you were scared that if you were honest with me, it would push me away. In reality, by sacrificing those things, you pushed me away even more. I felt like you told everyone else how you felt, except the ONE person that mattered -- ME.
I've been in relationships where I took the lead, trying so hard to salvage everything just so I would have something to walk away with at the end of the day and it led me to nothing but unhappiness. At this point in my life, I don't feel like I have to spell myself out to you. For whatever reasons you had, you thought that if you played along and gave me the things I wanted, everything will play itself out. Yesterday, you told me that you "fought for what you wanted." Where? I didn't see you fight at all. You didn't fight me on anything. You said all the things I wanted to hear because you thought it would help the situation, but look where it got us? I can't even talk to Jess about the situation without a tear falling down my cheek. This is a mess.
Imagine how one little word could have changed the whole course of this relationship. Yes, I want to do me for now. Yes, I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. But I wouldn't tell you I had feelings for you if I didn't want you to somehow be a part of that. All you had to do was say something. ANYTHING. And although you were fine with the circumstances, it didn't mean that you weren't entitled to a voice. I'm sorry if I scared you off. I'm sorry if I made it damn near impossible for you to pour your emotions out to me, but if you really wanted to "fight for it," then you would've said something anyway regardless of what I was doing or saying.
But, now. I'm tired. I was waiting for you to tell me how you felt because I was scared. I haven't been this attached to someone in so long and all I wanted was for you to validate my feelings. I wanted to you to let me know that it was okay for me to feel this way about you. I wanted to you to show me that being with you was what I wanted too. I was scared. If this is how you do things, a relationship between us would never work. I don't wanna have to beat you up, just to get you to express yourself. I don't need to ask you how you feel, you should just tell me. I don't want to feel like everyone else around us knows something about us that I don't know. It's unfair. The past two conversations we had, I brought it up because my feelings for you were growing and I wasn't sure what to do with them. I was hoping you would show me. I never heard you tell me anything. It takes a lot more than just holding me, kissing me, or us hanging out for those feelings to grow. I hate to admit it because of my stupid pride, but I wanted you to prove me wrong. I needed to hear it. I didn't and I'm tired of waiting.
I'm sorry I hurt you. All I wanted was a chance to catch up to you. You're in too deep and it could be too late. You're a grown ass man. I don't feel like I have to spell it out to you. When you sent me the text that said, "So is that it? Just friends?" I want you to know that I was staring at my reply for the longest time, debating on whether I should send it or not. This isn't easy for me. It hurts me as much as its hurting you, but I want you to get it on your own. I want you to really understand where I'm coming from. I didn't do this out of spite, or because I didn't care about you. I did this because you're not ready to be in a relationship with me. Yes, all the feelings are there but if we can't even be honest about our feelings for eachother, how are we supposed to have a relationship that's going to work? Based on assumptions? That's not how it works and I want you to realize that. If you ever, throughout the past few months had any doubt about my feelings, all you had to do was ask. I didn't bring anything up to you because you had me thinking we were both on the same level. You knew we weren't and you didn't say a word. Do you know how much that sucks for me?
But regardless of what you believe is the reason why I did what I did, you're hearing it now. This is why I had to end it. Not because I want to be on my own. Not because I want to concentrate on me. Not because I don't want to be in a relationship. Not because I don't care. Not because I lost feelings for you, because truth be told, I wouldn't have been crying for the past 19 hours if I didn't feel strongly for you. I did this for you. I want you to figure it out. There's nothing I want to change about you. I like you and that's that. I just want you to understand where it went wrong and where you lost me. This is me clarifying all those thoughts in your head. I hope now, that after reading this, it'll help you figure things out for yourself. I'm sorry.
No comments:
Post a Comment