My Dream.

So, I think I've mentioned before that I'm a Fashion Design Major. Lately, I've been giving much thought and interest in Menswear whether it be urban fashion, formal or otherwise. I found this video on YouTube of Gucci's Menswear Fall 2009/2010 Collection and I completely just FELL IN LOVE with it -=) I just thought it was a good share and it typically is the perfect example of where I'd like to be in the future. To land an internship with them after graduation would be heaven for me. But, until then I'll just have to work 100 times harder than I have and use this video as motivation. ENJOY, KIDS!

Flashback.

It seems as though my mistakes are always catching up with me and I get it. This is the Lord's way of letting me know that life isn't easy. There are consequences to my actions that cannot be escaped. He's given me so many chances to right the wrongs in my past and I've taken advantage of it. I have to make the changes now. I can do this. If I want a fair chance at a happy life and a successful future, I have...no, I NEED to move now. Make the changes within myself and grow up.

NOW NOW NOW!

Love Letter.

You're hurting, I know. I'm trying to find the right words to say, but it seems like nothing I say is really gonna cut it. I have no idea how this all started or how it even got here, but in all truth and honesty, my intentions were never to hurt you.

After my relationship ended with Brandon, I vowed to concentrate and devote all my time and energy on myself. I hadn't planned on being in another relationship for a while, let alone meet someone who would change my mind; but fate has a funny way of making things happen. We had an understanding - I told you my plans and that I wasn't ready to be in another relationship given the circumstances and you willingly played along. You respected my wishes and kept your distance as best you could but as life would have it, it didn't stay that way for long. That wall I tried so hard to keep up was slowly, but surely being broken. I wasn't sure whether a future with you was something I wanted to include in my plans or not. I brought up the situation with you (twice) about our status and where you saw this going. I was so adamant in those conversations, constantly reminding you of where I stood and as always, you were quick to agree. I was relieved to hear that we were both on the same level that I didn't bother to bring it up again after. I thought everything was kosher; that you understood me and where I was coming from and you respected that. I thought our situation was perfect because it gave me the time and space I needed on my end, hoping that it was going to do the same for you. Surprisingly enough, I was wrong.

So wrong.

Things changed that were completely beyond my control and all of a sudden, I was a like a deer in headlights - lost, confused and completely thrown. I kept getting these feelings in my gut that just sent all the wrong signals to me - warning signs, if you will. I saw the way you looked at me, how strong the feelings were behind your eyes but I couldn't bring myself to stare back at them. When we would be together, I felt it from your end and froze because I didn't know how to react. Before I could even get a word in I realized it was too late - you were in too deep and you lost me.

In our conversations yesterday, you said things I have never heard from you before and all I kept thinking was, "Why didn't you tell me?" I never heard you tell me that you wanted to be with me before yesterday. You never told me you were falling for me because truth be told, if I didn't call you out on it yesterday, I would still be sitting here right now without a damn clue about what you were feeling. But, I get it. I get that you're not a vocal person, especially when it came down to your emotions. I'm not slow, I knew how you felt without you ever saying a word to me about it. But you were lying to yourself and by doing that, you were lying to me. You lied and said that you were okay with our situation. You had me thinking you were all peachy keen about everything and I believed you. That was my mistake. I understand that you were respecting my wishes. You didn't want to push me into wanting something else, because you wanted me to be happy. I told you I liked you and if I remember word for word I specifically said, "I'm scared that if you asked me to be with you, I wouldn't have the courage to say no." I know you remember that. I opened up to you and you didn't do anything with it. I practically gave you a free pass and was unknowingly waiting for you to take the lead. Did you think I was just saying that because it sounded nice? No, that's what I was feeling and I know that if anyone in the world knows how blunt and honest I am, it would be you. I didn't know if I was doing the right thing by opening up to you but I did it anyway, hoping you would know what to do with it. That's where I went wrong, because all those things I hoped for were kind of just left in the back burner along with your feelings. You sacrificed telling me what you really felt about me, because maybe you were scared that if you were honest with me, it would push me away. In reality, by sacrificing those things, you pushed me away even more. I felt like you told everyone else how you felt, except the ONE person that mattered -- ME.

I've been in relationships where I took the lead, trying so hard to salvage everything just so I would have something to walk away with at the end of the day and it led me to nothing but unhappiness. At this point in my life, I don't feel like I have to spell myself out to you. For whatever reasons you had, you thought that if you played along and gave me the things I wanted, everything will play itself out. Yesterday, you told me that you "fought for what you wanted." Where? I didn't see you fight at all. You didn't fight me on anything. You said all the things I wanted to hear because you thought it would help the situation, but look where it got us? I can't even talk to Jess about the situation without a tear falling down my cheek. This is a mess.

Imagine how one little word could have changed the whole course of this relationship. Yes, I want to do me for now. Yes, I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. But I wouldn't tell you I had feelings for you if I didn't want you to somehow be a part of that. All you had to do was say something. ANYTHING. And although you were fine with the circumstances, it didn't mean that you weren't entitled to a voice. I'm sorry if I scared you off. I'm sorry if I made it damn near impossible for you to pour your emotions out to me, but if you really wanted to "fight for it," then you would've said something anyway regardless of what I was doing or saying.

But, now. I'm tired. I was waiting for you to tell me how you felt because I was scared. I haven't been this attached to someone in so long and all I wanted was for you to validate my feelings. I wanted to you to let me know that it was okay for me to feel this way about you. I wanted to you to show me that being with you was what I wanted too. I was scared. If this is how you do things, a relationship between us would never work. I don't wanna have to beat you up, just to get you to express yourself. I don't need to ask you how you feel, you should just tell me. I don't want to feel like everyone else around us knows something about us that I don't know. It's unfair. The past two conversations we had, I brought it up because my feelings for you were growing and I wasn't sure what to do with them. I was hoping you would show me. I never heard you tell me anything. It takes a lot more than just holding me, kissing me, or us hanging out for those feelings to grow. I hate to admit it because of my stupid pride, but I wanted you to prove me wrong. I needed to hear it. I didn't and I'm tired of waiting.

I'm sorry I hurt you. All I wanted was a chance to catch up to you. You're in too deep and it could be too late. You're a grown ass man. I don't feel like I have to spell it out to you. When you sent me the text that said, "So is that it? Just friends?" I want you to know that I was staring at my reply for the longest time, debating on whether I should send it or not. This isn't easy for me. It hurts me as much as its hurting you, but I want you to get it on your own. I want you to really understand where I'm coming from. I didn't do this out of spite, or because I didn't care about you. I did this because you're not ready to be in a relationship with me. Yes, all the feelings are there but if we can't even be honest about our feelings for eachother, how are we supposed to have a relationship that's going to work? Based on assumptions? That's not how it works and I want you to realize that. If you ever, throughout the past few months had any doubt about my feelings, all you had to do was ask. I didn't bring anything up to you because you had me thinking we were both on the same level. You knew we weren't and you didn't say a word. Do you know how much that sucks for me?

But regardless of what you believe is the reason why I did what I did, you're hearing it now. This is why I had to end it. Not because I want to be on my own. Not because I want to concentrate on me. Not because I don't want to be in a relationship. Not because I don't care. Not because I lost feelings for you, because truth be told, I wouldn't have been crying for the past 19 hours if I didn't feel strongly for you. I did this for you. I want you to figure it out. There's nothing I want to change about you. I like you and that's that. I just want you to understand where it went wrong and where you lost me. This is me clarifying all those thoughts in your head. I hope now, that after reading this, it'll help you figure things out for yourself. I'm sorry.

"Fame Kills" killed?

Kanye West and Lady Gaga Tour: Canceled!

Okay, maybe I'm alone on this but I was pretty excited to see Lady Gaga and Kanye West go on tour this Fall/Winter. Let's recap okay? Sure, the stunt Kanye pulled at the VMA's against Taylor Swift was an asshole move but can you honestly tell me you were surprised he did it? Kanye's pretty notorious for his outlandish behavior. He's no stranger to shit like this and to tell you the truth, as bad as it was, I almost expected it from him. Granted the victim of this whole situation was the innocent and sweet Taylor Swift and that is mainly the reason why everyone was stunned in the first place but this is Kanye West, people! We can almost expect this type of behavior from him EVERY TIME!

I'm not defending him but I don't get why you still wouldn't want to see the man perform. Honestly, I sat 11 rows from the stage at his Glow in the Dark Tour and I was amazed. Ol'dude is a true performer! Not to mention, I was and still am a huge fan of his music. He's talented, no question about that. He's an idiot and real ignorant but nonetheless, the fool is a musical genius! I don't know, I guess what my real point is if Michael Vick can kill dogs and the NFL still gives him a second chance; or Chris Brown can completely beat Rhianna's ass and musicians will still make music with him; then why can't Kanye West be the asshole that he is and still make you want to go see him and Lady Gaga on tour??

Typhoon Ondoy.

I don't know how many of you have heard about the tragedy that struck my native country of the Philippines but in case you haven't, I'll give you a brief recap. Over the weekend, a tropical storm by the name of Ondoy (internationally known as Ketsana) wreaked havoc on the main island of Luzon causing landslides and severe flooding in the some areas of the capital city of Manila and it's surrounding areas. People lost their lives, their homes, their automobiles and were left hungry and with nothing more than the clothes on their backs. It was a horrid image. Sounds familiar though, right? A bit reminiscent of the damages done by Hurricane Katrina on New Orleans, Lousiana in 2005. Imagine all of that, but on a 3rd world country. Imagine a whole month's worth of rainfall in 6 hours and watching your car float away with the currents, your house and many others disappearing so fast underwater and you have no choice but to find refuge on your rooftop, waiting for someone to rescue you and your family. Like many other Filipino-Americans in the United States, I had to sit back and watch while so many of my countrymen suffered and lost their lives. It was so tough. It was one of the most disturbing images I've seen in my lifetime and just like Hurricane Katrina and the 9/11 attacks, they are images I will always remember for as long as I live.

As if that wasn't enough, the Philippine Atmospheric Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration (PAGASA) has reported that in about 2 days, there is another tropical storm coming in the Philippines' direction. My countrymen are feeling discouraged and so weak but the relief efforts are amazing. Watching the local Philippine news amazes me. So many celebrities and people of power are so hands-on with the relief efforts and doing all they can to help the victims of this natural disaster, whether it be monetary or through food and clothing donations. Although I cannot offer any physical help, every little bit helps. I want to extend a link to all of you who may be reading this entry and challenge you to help. The Philippine National Red Cross, along with many other local organizations (ABS-CBN, The GMA Network, San Miguel Beer, Coca-Cola Philippines, etc.) in the Philippines are doing all they can to offer relief of any kind to the Filipinos who were affected by the typhoon. As I have said before, every little bit helps. As an absentee citizen of the Philippines, the only help I could muster up was monetary and although it wasn't a huge amount, I know that in some way I was able to offer help the best I knew how aside from my continuous prayers for my fellow countrymen. If you would like to make donations please visit the Philippine National Red Cross online and select the Typhoon Ondoy option on the drop-down menu. Trust me, it will be very greatly appreciated.

And, with that I'd like to please ask all of you to pray or continue to pray for the Philippines and all of the lives that were taken and/or destroyed by the typhoon. As a Filipino, I can vouch by saying we are very strong and hopeful people. I believe that with each other's help and prayers, my countrymen will rise above this calamity and become stronger in the near future.

God bless the Philippines and all my countrymen. I am very proud to be a Filipino.

Remembering 9/11.

I'm finding it hard to believe 8 years have passed. I wasn't a direct victim of the 9/11 tragedy but as an American, it affects you in more ways that you can ever imagine. I remember that day like it was yesterday.

September 11, 2001. Friendly High School. Senior Year. I remember walking into my 3rd period International Cuisine class and seeing my classmates and teacher completely engulfed in silence in front of the television. As I took my seat, I look up at the screen and see the most disturbing images I had ever seen in my lifetime. A plane crashed into one of the towers of the World Trade Center in New York City. The words coming from the TV became mere echoes after that. Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, a second plane circles the World Trade Center and crashes itself into the second tower. All I remember was saying "Oh my God!" as I quickly covered my mouth in disbelief and felt my eyes slowly water after. It was insane. Then, the trance was broken by the sound of Mr. Brooks on the PA System -- he was allowing us all to call home to be dismissed from the rest of the school day. Shortly after that, it hit closer to home as news surfaced that the Pentagon was hit. Living in the Washington, DC Area during that time..I almost forgot how fast things had happened. It was crazy. There was traffic at every road & highway -- everyone trying to get home to their families. It was by far the scariest day of my life.

I didn't know anyone who was injured or who passed on that day, but I was very much affected. I remember thinking how it was humanly possible to wake up that morning, knowing you were going to kill yourself & many others by crashing a commercial plane into the Twin Towers. How could someone be so evil? As Americans, would we ever be able to forgive those involved? Would it be possible for us to gather up enough courage to do so?

I look back and the images fill my head all over again. Believe it or not, I have never been more proud to be an American since that day. To pick ourselves back up and move on from that as a people, you can't help but admire that. The Star Spangled Banner has never sounded more beautiful - I get goosebumps every time I hear it. Its crazy. But we live through it. The images and the people will never be forgotten.

To the lives and the families of those who passed & were injured on September 11, 2001, God bless you all. We are behind you & we will always remember.

day one.

First day of blogging, kids! Not too sure what I'm going to end up doing with this thing exactly but I'm channeling the inner writer in me. I used to be big on literature in my younger years, but somewhere along the way with all the social aspects of my life, I just lost track of my love and passion for it. So, consider this my way of returning to my roots.

As a formality, I guess I should go ahead and introduce myself to the blogging community. The name's Christine Ann. A 25-year-old who has been notorious for being quite indecisive in her life journey. Not until recently have I finally discovered my calling. I'm a Fashion Design student hoping to one day take her passion & talent for the industry to the Big Apple -- New York City. Of course until that happens, I'm living the life here in Las Vegas as I have been doing so for the past 6 years. Yes, the quarter-life crisis has hit hard and surprisingly so, I'm doing quite well picking up the pieces.

A bicoastal girl who's lived quite the nomadic life, I've seemed to find solace in this crazy city of Vegas. I've held residency in Los Angeles, Cincinnati, the Washington DC Area, and even my homeland of the Philippines -- not too shabby considering I'm not a military brat, right? As I continue to blog, you'll find that I'm an avid sports & music fan. I've been quite blessed in life, although not financially, I do what I can with the support of my family & close friends who I believe to be the most awesomely amazing people on this earth!

I'm known as the Las Vegas Party Animal, but to tell you the truth..I'm the biggest couch potato in the world. I love watching movies & listening to music. In my spare time, I go bowling with my friends, dancing, & of course shopping LOL I have a serious shoe addiction & I guess my love for fashion has lead me to choose the path I am leading now. I hope to one day have my own urban clothing brand starting with women and hopefully extend to menswear, as well as children & youth. Of course, I must take baby steps but as long as they lead me in the right direction, baby steps it is!

I love my life and the people I have in it. If that doesn't sum me up, I don't know what will. I guess I'll end it here for now. I'll be back tomorrow! Be safe & take care -=)

xoxo, christine ann.